Now I realize how much I really knew about my grandfather's condition. I knew nothing. When we arrived at their house today, there was no longer a presence of happiness and eternal candy but, rather, the presence of gloom and death. He had not rising from his bead for the past three says and he has been rapidly declining. A wee ago he was walking and counting his steps looking forward to tallyingbup the results and bragging on how much he had accomplished. Today...he could could barely nove much less sit up or walk to the bathroom on him own.

His mind however is still mostly fully there. There is a time between waking and sleeping where he's not there. Today we were in the next room and we heard him talking in the bedroom. When my dad went to check on him he was counting... Numbers... For some reason no one could know. He never really told us why he was counting.

I don't handle things like this well. I cry when someone mentions his name and cat stand being in the same room as him. I don't want to see the man he is now. I want to remember the man he was when we was strong. I hate seeing him pale and weak and not eating and in pain and talking in numbers and frail. I absolutly hate it.

My grandmother never ceases to amaze me. She has been helpig him to the bathroom and waiting on him and feeding him and caring for him with little to no help. Tonight my dad stayed with them while my mom and sister and I drove to my mom's parents house. After we left we recieved a text from my dad saying they were on their way to the ER. His condition had not changed but his doctor was not comfortable with Jim being home inbhis current state. Unless something drastic happens he will not make it much longer. As of right now he says he feels Bette than he has felt all day.

He had not eaten much and needs noutrition. He had eaten about six bites of food and a shake today. At the hospital at least he will get "food" through an IV. My dad is staying th nifty with him and my aunt (dad's sister) will come int the morning to talk see him

He knows he is dying and had given up hope of recovery. He asked his doctors of his pacemaker will LET him die. He knows it's coming and doesn't wish to fight it. I have great respect for that but I wish he wasn't in so much pain and agony.

I hate seeing him like this and need prayer and help. He is a wonderful man who has lived a long and happy life. He will probably not see any of his grandchildren married, see me or my sister graduate college or even high school, or see any grandchildren. I hate that but he deserves to be pain free and happy. I love you Grand-daddy!!!!

Contemplation

Will he be awake? Will he look at me a smile just like any other time I've seen him? Will he get out of bed? How long do we have? Will he make it until Christmas? 4th of July? Will there be a party on the 4th just like any year? Or will this all change too???

These are the questions in my mind as I contemplate tomorrow. We will be traveling to my dad's parent's house tomorrow to see my grandfather. He has been sick for a long time but its gotten worse in the past few months.

Last summer he was fine. Slower than usual? Yes. Not as cheerful as he usually is but fine none the less. Then Thanksgiving...he was, in a word, frail. Right before Christmas he underwent a procedure to correct some ussues with his pacemaker. Supposedly, this would give him the strngth he lacked. It helped for all of two months then he quickly began failing rapidly. Basically, his organs are not functioning together and this is taking a toll on him physically and mentaly.

All of this is wearing down my grandmother. She, nor him, hold out much hope of him getting better. She is strained and needs prayer the same as he does. My grandmother is the only person I know that can cook three full meals a day, keeps her house spotless, and still finds time to play with her grandkids and quilt. This amazing woman is weakening. I can tell she is under a lot of stress and emotional pain. Just as we all are.

My sister, Logan, will never remember him as the youthful man who could tumble around with my cousins and play games on the floor with me or walk to the nighborhood park everyday. She won't remember how he would work in the yard and build amazing things in his woodshop. I miss that man.

Tomorrow as we travel to see him for, possibly, the last time, I need strength. I pray for strength. For me. For my family. For my grandmother. But mostly my beloved grandfather. I love you Grand-daddy! I always have and I always will. A piece of my heart will be yours forever. I love you!